Are you worried about your child and their behaviour?
“No doubt you are tired of these strange outbursts of bad behaviour but have nobody to talk to nor support you in how they can stop. ”
Are you worried about your child and how they behave at home or school? Don’t worry – you are not alone, and help is at hand. The first step in addressing that behaviour is to understand it.
Countless parents are in your shoes. Your child may or may not have a Statement/ Education and Health Care Plan (EHCP). Sometimes some children can keep it together at school, but many come home grumpy, or a lot worse. No doubt you are tired of these strange outbursts of bad behaviour but have nobody to talk to nor support you in how they can stop.
I hope you will find the following information useful in starting to understand your child’s behaviour, but we are also here to offer you advice and help if you need it.
Book a mini-consultation to find out more.
Is it bad behaviour or something else?
Generally speaking, we view raising our children through the lens of our own childhood experiences. How we were raised plays a huge role in the decisions we make about raising our own children. That is perfectly natural, but our children are not ourselves, and we are not our parents, so this can lead to problems in understanding behaviour.
Adults reflect on the protocols set out for them when they were children and expect their children to follow - modelling their own childhood experiences. This modelling behaviour is all done on a subconscious level. As parents we often think about the rules, regulations, and quirks our parents had that we disliked, and want to change that for our own children.
In my case, as children, my siblings and I were never allowed to come downstairs in our pyjamas. That was a complete no-no for my father, even at weekends. We needed to be ready and dressed for the morning. It now sounds ridiculous, and I decided I would not make those sorts of rules when I was a parent!
My point is most parents are not unreasonable; they want to follow through with what they perceive to be behavioural norms. We naturally want what is best for our children, and when our children do not comply, it can be very confusing and frustrating from our perspective. Our normal response is to try harder, even if it leads to problems, but really, we need to dig a bit deeper and understand what is behind what we deem as 'bad behaviour.'
Is it a tantrum or a meltdown?
These are actually two different things, and it is important we understand the difference so that we can truly understand the behaviour and what lies behind it. A tantrum is when a child is misbehaving due to wanting to get their way. In comparison, a meltdown may look the same, but the child reacts to feeling overwhelmed about a situation they cannot understand or handle.
The behaviour of children having a tantrum
They pay attention to what is going on, and they try to bargain while misbehaving. The behaviour is a strategy to get what they want, and usually changes as soon as they receive it.
“Unlike a tantrum, children having a meltdown are not in control.”
The behaviour of children having a meltdown
Unlike a tantrum, children having a meltdown are not in control. They appear panicked, wanting to escape, not responding to what you say and cannot take in their environment or others around them. They can be impossible to console in this state. Tantrums are pretty common among children of a certain age, and usually something they grow out of, though it is still ok to ask for help with addressing that behaviour too! Meltdowns are very different and require a much more understanding approach.
Understanding a child’s meltdowns
I want to help you see things from your child's perspective if they are prone to meltdowns. Say, for example, you are working from home, and there is construction work going on outside. Drilling sounds continue to vibrate through your home continuously. You can feel and hear these sounds; they are very distracting. You can't hold your thoughts together, and as you try to concentrate; the noise continues to interrupt your train of thought. It is challenging and impossible to keep to the task. My question is, would you feel angry? The answer is obvious – of course, you would. You would feel angry and feel things are out of control.
Imagine how you would feel if someone says, "I want you to ignore the distraction and carry on as normal." You would find it near impossible. You may be able to suppress the frustration, but it has not gone away. At some point, you will need to let off steam, which is a perfectly normal response. You have not been in control; your response was entirely not of your making, it was a reaction in your nervous system, a meltdown.
A meltdown is a reaction to sensory overload. Different individuals have different tolerances to sensory stimulation. While your anger may be a normal response to a very difficult and frustrating situation of the noise example above, some adults and children feel exactly the same anger in a variety of situations (just being around other people or specific interactions) that many of the rest of us might find easier to deal with. For them, they have a higher sensitivity to sensory overload which can lead to behaviour that others might deem inappropriate or difficult to deal with. The important thing to remember is that they are not “choosing” this response and “behaving badly”, they are actually just reacting in the way that their body and brains feel is necessary.
Are you receiving the right sort of help?
What about children who are having meltdowns at home even after a good day at school? These children have been able to in part control things so far that day, so they do not appear stressed. Once they get home, they are in a safe environment and can let go. It can feel like no-one believes you unless they see first-hand how your child behaves, which can make it challenging to find the right help.
Finding safety and validating your child
When children are constantly overwhelmed by their environment; sensory information cannot be assimilated with any ease, it is a constant battle for them. Acknowledging their emotions and allowing them to let off steam in a safe way is the best way forward. It is a preemptive measure that can help settle things and bring calmness back. Here are some examples of how to do that:
1. Using; swings, rocking chairs, trampoline- predictive movement creates safety in the body.
2. Quiet time with a pet - stroking a pet helps calm the nervous system.
3. Coming home to a favourite cartoon and a snack - predicitive bevahaviour helps children feel safe.
4. Some time alone with you to sit quietly - removing sensory overload and finding safety in a caregiver.
While the above list is varied it has one thing in common: calm, predictive behaviour. These are habits that can help settle emotions. Calm, predictive behaviour settles the nervous system and is known to help children with sensory overload. These are excellent ways to help your child and, once calm, they may be able to tell you about what caused their behaviour. Identifying these triggers can help you address the root problems, and stop the routine meltdowns from turning into a habitual trauma response, which is far more damaging and difficult to address.
The fact is that children want to behave in the right way. They want to fit in rather than be different. They want to have friends and engage with their peers – it is hardwired into our brains. If parents can keep hold of this idea, and use it as their starting point, they can investigate their child’s behaviour with a curious mind and come to some conclusions that help them understand their child better.
Parenting isn’t easy, and dealing with problematic behaviour can in itself be exhausted and overwhelming for you. It is ok to ask for help.
If you are parent struggling to understand book a consultation
or you can wait for the next blog which is about creating safety in an unsafe world.
Dyslexia? Dyspraxia? ADHD? ASD? Speech & Language? Developmental Delay? Anxiety?
Is every school day a struggle? As a parent, you may feel exhausted and on this journey alone. Each year you see the gap getting wider. You need to do something - change the approach, help your child learn for themselves, find a way to turn this around - to help while you can - do this NOW. the first step is free.
About the Author
Usha Patel is a Neurocognitive Therapist and Director at Raviv Practice London. Parents searching to help their suspected/neurodiverse child can get evidence-based solutions with results in as little as 8 weeks. Those in search of jargon-free help can get started straight away.
